I Will Not Speak

If I can't talk about things to anyone, if I can't say what I really feel, if no one CARES that I am constantly thinking about something and need an outlet-somebody to talk to, if I have to LIVE IN FEAR after speaking my mind...Why speak at all?

And people wonder why I don't talk. I'm not 'shy', I talk a lot with my friends. I'm not 'quiet', I talk to my FRIENDS. I'm not innocent just because I usually don't say a word. Inside I'm screaming at you.

There are SO many things I've held back. Trombone players-Sometimes you just act like snot-nosed hypocrites. You get treated like you're sooooo perfect, and like you're more mature than the trumpet section in jazz band. Yes. I hate all of the other trumpets, and I'm the only one who doesn't act like an idiot! But considering two of you provoked the most unruly one in our class by turning around, looking directly at him, and laughing like a couple of gossiping teenage girls, immaturity is one of those cases where it takes one to know one. Our band director said you were mature because you didn't laugh at that trumpet player one time? Today you made fun of that same trumpet, and our band director even joined you.

"Notice how no one in the trombone section is laughing. It goes to show the maturity..."

I just about stabbed myself there. That was one of those moments I wanted to say, "I'm out!" and shoot myself in the head. Yeah, not too enthusiastic about playing that game. I may have actually uttered, "O ironia!" under my breath. (Latin for 'Oh the irony!'

Our band director talked about how four, "-well, four and a half" people joined in, myself being the 'half'. That one smile I made was caused by frustration and pity, the fact that other people were laughing and I have a tendency to smile on instinct, and he asked the trumpet player what fingering 'F' was, and he replied, "F" by accident.

Trombone players? Mature? Please. Before class, they used to play Call of Duty in the band hall. They called in an AIRSTRIKE with my jazz binder! I guess to be 'mature', I must form a 'Tim Tebow right shield' and hold a sense of arrogance.
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I HAVE to talk about Caleb, alright? I have to talk some things out and work these puzzles. I have to talk about that awesome last day of school last year where he sat next to me far away from anyone else and my head spun. I need to talk about what I'm thinking, what I need to know, and why I need to know it. Guess what? Can't. Time and friends don't allow it. I review things with myself and myself only, because I'm the only I can confide in.